As I walked through the double-doors at Starbucks, I noticed the refreshing smell of coffee, the all so common background noise of blenders, and heard the quiet chatter of my peers around me.
I saw what looked to be a couple sitting down on a comfortable sofa near me-- both the man and woman keeping in constant contact as they enjoyed their coffee and muffins.
While observing these people was also struck by the sights and sounds of the rain leaving its mark on the building. A collection of water ran down the window sills as I heard the popping noise of the water droplets bouncing off the roof.
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Using telling details doesn't mean you have to tell me every single thing. It also doesn't mean that you need to tell me that you're observing things. Just tell me what you see, hear, etc., and trust me to figure out that it's you talking.
So here's how I'd tighten up your first paragraph:
As I walked through Starbucks' double doors, the familiar grinding noise of the blender and quiet chatter of other coffee drinkers made me feel at home.
7/10 -- why don't you try tightening up the rest yourself?
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